How could he DO that?

Weren’t you feeling a little faint reading about it, too?

I really don’t know if I can write a column for this site anymore.  I’ve come over all unnecessary.

Yes.  He ate a flippin’ burger.  He ate pizza.  He bought a Mc-bloody-Donald’s!!!

Sigh.  Okay, you redeemed yourself (slightly) with the fish and chips and I know you’re a little…discriminating when it comes to tuck, Jonners old chap, but next time you visit the UK I really want YOU to let ME send an Ocado (grocery) order to your cottage, okay?  I want you to eat like a Brit.

So on your next visit, here’s a weekend menu for you…(if anything needs explaining to anyone, leave a comment and I’d be delighted to oblige).

Saturday:

Breakfast – Half a grapefruit, porridge, cup of assam tea with semi-skimmed milk.

Elevenses – Piece of tiffin and cup of milky coffee.

Lunch – find a pub and order a Stilton ploughman’s lunch with a pint of their best bitter (or scrumpy, if in Devon).  If, being the picky eater you are you feel convinced that the majestic Stilton cheese is not for you, then try a cheese and ham toastie with pickle (that’s Branston, not dill pickle).

Afternoon tea – Several cups of assam tea and a freshly baked Derby scone (or two) with raspberry preserve and clotted cream.

Supper – Steak & kidney pudding with runner beans, carrots and mashed potatoes (accompany this with a glass of stout), followed by rice pudding.

Sunday:

Breakfast – Orange juice, FEB (full English breakfast), toast and tangerine marmalade with a cup of Assam tea.

Elevenses – what, you really think you need anything but a coffee after that breakfast?!?!

Lunch – find a pub (newspapers and roaring log fire essential) and order a proper English roast lamb dinner followed by spotted dick and custard.  And order a different pint of beer today.

Afternoon tea – you’re kidding, right?  Did you not read lunch?  Have a cuppa.

Supper – Poached eggs on toasted, buttered, wholemeal English muffins.  Small slice of madeira cake.  Glass of port.

And if, after that little lot, you’re not feeling just a little more in tune with Blighty (and proud of yourself for downing so much ‘foreign’ food in two days) then “I’ll go to the foot of our stairs”  (Lisa will translate that one for you – it’s a Northern expression) and “I’ll be a monkey’s uncle” (ditto).

So there you have it.  Britain’s food, perhaps not entirely summed up in two days, but given a jolly good airing.

So what do you reckon, Jonners?  Up for a challenge next time?  Because the gauntlet is thrown…

Author Info -  Anna (true bonafide Brit) wandered all over the US whilst she was reporting for the BBC, but now blogs from her mellow stone 17th century farmhouse in the heart of beautiful Blighty. Share her passion for True Englishness at The Anglofile Read more from this author

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