Talking Telly: So begins my love/hate relationship with ‘The X Factor’

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My annual ritual with “The X Factor” goes something like this: I tell myself that I should watch the first week, often because the BBC is sensible enough not to schedule anything interesting at the same time and because it’s one of those shows where things could be switched up and interesting unexpectedly and I would’ve missed it. Now that I think of it, way too much of my TV viewing happens for that reason.

I watch semi-regularly through the auditions, watch the boot camp week to see what insane outfit Sinitta wears, and then get through about a month or six weeks of the live shows because one or two of the acts are properly interesting and the mentors are of interest (last year: Robbie Williams week.) Then they get eliminated, I get bored and annoyed that the show becomes this pre-packaged pop factory, “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!” fills up my weekly quotient of cheese and I attempt to forget about it until the final and the annual controversy over the Christmas No. 1 arrives.

Really, there are so many things that I’m not thrilled with about the show that it’s become a yearly rant for me. For one thing, it’s kind of like how the Christmas season keeps getting extended – it’s about a month too long. I would suggest to Simon Cowell that if he does indeed revamp the UK version of the show as he begins the US version, he consider adopting the “Britain’s Got Talent” schedule and do the live shows possibly three nights a week (Tues, Thurs, Sat?) over a month instead of dragging the show out from August through December. I know that’s a tougher deal than with BGT because that would mean the acts preparing three songs a week. But isn’t part of having “the X factor” and being a proper star is going all out? Not to mention a shortened schedule might prevent the months of flu that seem to endanger at least one or two acts each year.

The second is that I can’t stand press-packaged drama, and “The X Factor” is the worst offender. Frankly, I could be arsed if any of the contestants are dating each other, if they hate their mentors, if they have hourly diva fits at practice (not a great idea if you’re wanting to build a rep to get a record deal, IMHO) or what in the heck Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue are wearing at any given moment.

Sometimes the hard-luck stories are endearing. One of my all-time fave contestants was Rachel Hylton from two years ago, who was an ex-druggie with five kids, four in care, and did an amazing Take That cover that singlehandedly made me like that song. But the show gets mired in that crap more than the music. And don’t even get me started on Jedward, although in retrospect I tuned in to hate on them for three weeks longer last year than I probably would’ve made it normally.

All that said, there are reasons I watch this when I don’t watch “American Idol,” and even after kinda falling a bit out of love with BGT this year. Those reasons have been slightly illustrated the last five weeks as I inexplicably have continued to watch another performance reality show, “Don’t Stop Believing” on Five, which is a straight-off attempt to capitalize on “Glee.” I tend to hate myself for about 10 of the 15 minutes I spend watching (thank you to on-demand viewing where I can fast-forward through “the story” of the choral groups and a lot of the commentary) and only get any real pleasure when there’s about one group a week who is really, really good.

But what I’m getting out of “Don’t Stop Believing” that makes me realize “The X Factor” does have something special is the judging. And when I say that, I am not saying I’m a big fan of any of the judges individually but Simon Cowell, who I’m convinced could slate and simultaneously give useful advice in a turnip-judging contest. Particularly, one of the great British things that I have accepted that I’ll never “get” is why people adore Cheryl Cole so much. I’d say the same about Louis Walsh, but I’m not sure most Brits really like him either.

But as a group, the judges are not only slightly combustible (who can forget the famous wars between Dannii and former judge Sharon Osbourne a few years back) but can give proper advice and know what they’re looking for. I will never really understand why Louis put Jedward through boot camp last year, because their performances through that point were really awful, but then once they got to the live shows, he obviously knew the boys were going to entertain. And they did. Has anyone really forgotten about them in those Britney red latex suits yet? And on the other end, Cheryl and Dannii are good at figuring out how to bring that pre-packaged pop action out of their acts, and in the end Simon makes it sell.

This year things will be shaken up with the judging early-on, which will probably be enough reason to watch through boot camp. As anyone who’s read the Daily Mail in the past three months knows, Dannii just had a baby and is still on maternity leave, and Cheryl came down with malaria during the auditions. So there have been guest judges on all of the shows through the live rounds, all famous Britpop girl acts, sometimes older (Geri Halliwell was the first) and the newer (Katy Perry and Pixie Lott.) This is something Idol did in the US when Paula Abdul quit last year, and it certainly attracted attention.

In any case, it ’tis the season where this is going to dominate British pop culture news ridiculously. The best we can hope for is that Simon really was being serious when it was leaked to the tabs this week that he’s banning over-performed songs from the auditions (no more “Sex On Fire”, hallelujah!) and sob stories. Hopefully the focus will go on the music and not on the cheese and scandal. And pigs could fly over Surrey. Both seem equally likely.