Dispatches from the East: How to Speak Good Briddish

After being here for a little more than six years, I’m stuck in the very strange position of still having a strong American accent, but having picked up enough British slang and nuance that every time I go back home I invariably say one or two things that cause the good folks of Lawrence, Kansas to look at me as if I’ve grown a second head.  Which I haven’t.  You only get that after eight years of ex-patting.

Apart from having to remember to tip again and say ‘dollars’ and not ‘pounds’ when referring to money, there’s a linguistic paradigm shift that an ex-pat must go through–little things like remembering that the toilet is a bathroom, the taps are faucets, and asking people ‘Alright?’ is going to get you either very strange looks or a detailed account of someone’s last brush with swine flu.  And while I don’t consider myself as having picked up any accent, if I’m not careful, I’ll slip something into conversation that is just too British for people to let go, and for the rest of the evening I’ll get to hear all about it.

So for those that are about to take the leap, I thought I’d help you out a little with the slang and language differences I’ve learned over the years.  Here goes–

Alright?–usually pronounced ‘Aight?’ and often followed by ‘mate’, this is actually a standard greeting and does not mean you look unwell.  The stand reply to this greeting is ‘Aight. You aight?’ or just ‘You aight?’  Much like ‘How you doin?’, this is less a question and more of a verbal acknowledgement that you have recoginized each other as two human beings cohabitating a nearby space.  Conversation may start after that, but is not necessary.

Mate–I love this phrase, but always feel like an imposter trying to use it.  Roughly the equivalent of ‘buddy’, but so much more.  A mate can range from ‘best mate’, or BFF, to a guy you met in the pub once, to the plumber, to your worst enemy.  It can even be used menicingly (i.e. ‘Give us your phone, mate’).  You may or may not have met a friend if someone calls you ‘his mate’.  In Scotland, substitute ‘pal’.

Ah, Bless!–I have to give props to Kat from London for bringing this one up, but it is a Brittish slang gem.  ‘Ah, bless’ manages to be both incredibly condescending and endearing in that quintessentially British way.  If you have done something that someone replies to with ‘Ah, bless’, you have probably done it wrong.

Suspenders–Not the romantic 20′s era detective staple we think of Stateside, suspenders in Britain are what ladies use to connect garters to stockings (i.e. a garter belt).  DO NOT SAY TO YOUR BOSS AT WORK “NICE SUSPENDERS”, AND THEN WHEN HE LOOKS AT YOU FUNNY SAY IT LOUDER.  You’ll have to trust me on this one.  It didn’t end well.

Bloke–a man.  Bloody good bloke–a nice man.  Tosser–not a nice man.

Oxbridge–referring to either students from Oxford or Cambridge.  There is no such actual place.  I should know, I asked.  The reply?  Aw, bless.

Doing my nut in--driving me crazy.  I love this, cause I’m not sure if it’s actually dirty, but it really sounds like it should be.

Sort it, Get it Sorted, Sort your life out, mate–all plays on ‘figure it out for yourself’ and/or ‘pull yourself together’.  Often used by Jeremy Kyle.  Jeremy Kyle is Britain’s answer to Jerry Springer, only with less fighting between guests and guests with less teeth.

Get the round in, mate–like many British requests, phrased as a statement.  Means ‘go buy us all beers’.  Mate is optional, and again does not necessarily require friendship to use.

Minging–If something is ‘minging’, it is nasty.  Not to be confused with ‘minge’, which is a very naughty phrase indeed, referring to lady parts.  Combining the two into ‘minge-ing’ is not socially acceptable.  I should know.  I’ve tried.

On the pull–attempting to hit on members of the opposite sex (i.e. “I’m going out tonight on the pull”).  Pulling–actually succeeding in hitting on a member of the opposite sex (i.e. “I pulled last night”).  Usually does not require the physical act of pulling, though may require spasmodic dancing at terrible night clubs with very expensive drinks.

Cheers–thanks!  Like so many British slang phrases, can be used ironically.  “Mate” follow-up optional.

I can’t be bothered–another one of my favorites, this little phrase eschews any hint of politeness and is blatantly, evilly honest.  Example–”Did you go to Ian’s party last night?”  “No, I couldn’t be bothered.  I stayed home and washed the cat.”  (fyi–washed the cat is not British slang, I just used it as an example, but it does kind of sound dirty.)

Unlucky–That’s too bad.  Can be used for the most dire of circumstances.  “My house just burned down, my cat died, and I won the lottery only to realize my dog had eaten the ticket!”  “Unlucky, mate.”  Can be followed with–

Worse things have happened at sea–show that ‘chin up’ attitude with this callous phrase that ends whining almost immediately!

Whinging–whining.  I don’t know why they added the ‘g’.  Just go with it.

Fit, well-fit–attractive or very attractive.  The opposite can either be manky or minging.  Mostly used by twelve year olds in track suits (aka chavs).

Knock you up–I’ll come to your house and knock on your door.  Neither a punch out or sexual innuendo.

Innit?–added to the end of any statement to make it a question, or even just a statement.  “That’s the story, innit?” or “She’s well fit, innit?”  Doesn’t make a lot of sense, innit?

I’m sure I’ll think of more, but that’s a start.  Enjoy your new phrases, and hopefully we’ll understand each other a little bit better when I knock you up in a fortnight to go on the piss and pull, innit?