I am unfortunately aware that we have successfully exported chef Gordon Ramsay to you. My sincere apologies.
Obviously, the man can cook (and play football) – I wouldn’t want to imply that he can’t. in fact I truly admire his culinary skill. But as an ambassador for the English language, he’s not really the best, is he?
It is a somewhat depressing fact of life that language on the streets of this fair isle is deteriorating most alarmingly. And the “f” word is not the worst one I’ve come across whilst shopping in town with my impressionable toddler daughter (who can now repeat any word after just one hearing).
And yet, when I think about it, I only hear this language on the streets or on TV. My friends, family and work colleagues are all much more ‘traditional English’ swearers. So I thought it’s about time we re-introduced the art of using charmingly ‘inoffensive’ expletives to the streets of Blighty; maybe you’d like to join us?
So …
- If something goes wrong and you need a handy profanity, try “oh blast it!”, “fiddlesticks”, or “bloody hell” instead of the predictable.
- Mild vexation could call for “oh botheration”, “bloomin’ heck”, “bottoms”, “pants” or “chuffing heck!”.
- Stupid or annoying people become ‘nitwits’ or ‘nincompoops’ instead of a**holes.
- If someone says something that’s bulls**t, then why not try the quaint English terms “codswallop” or “cobblers” instead?
- If you are drunk, you are “tipsy”, “sloshed”, have had “one over the eight”, are “chateau’d” or “tired and emotional”.
- If you screw something up, you have made a ‘hash’ of it, or a “right pig’s ear”.
- If surprised, instead of “Jesus!”, try “Bloody Nora”, “Cor blimey” or “well, blow me” (yep, we really do say this, but you’ll be reassured to know it’s a short form of ‘blow me down’, similar to ‘you could knock me down with a feather’).
- If you are pi**ed, you are “narked” and if you choose to verbally vent your spleen, you are said to be “throwing a wobbly”.
- If the sh*t is about to hit the fan and you are tempted to say you are f***ed, then try a posh English accent with the words “gosh, we’re in a bit of a tight spot here” or a Scottish accent and “we’re doomed…dooooomed, I tell ye”.
- And if words fail you and you are tempted to flick ‘the finger’, why not try the English version and use two fingers (like a “V” for victory, but with your palm towards yourself). Preferably, this should be accompanied by the smug comment “Agincourt!” as you raise the fingers in the air.
So if Gordon Ramsay has left you believing there is only one profanity in the English language, take heart; even Shakespeare would be proud of our rich and varied selection of expletives.
Author Info - Anna (true bonafide Brit) wandered all over the US whilst she was reporting for the BBC, but now blogs from her mellow stone 17th century farmhouse in the heart of beautiful Blighty. Share her passion for True Englishness at The Anglofile Read more from this author
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Anglotopia was founded by Jonathan and Jackie Thomas for people who love Britain - whether it's British TV, Culture, History or Travel - we cover it all. Anglotopia was started to get us back to the UK for a trip and it did that in 2009. Now, the goal is for Anglotopia to make our dream of living in the UK a reality.
“fiddle-sticks”.
what a steaming pile of pants.
What I fail to understand about Gordon Ramsey is he uses “the dog’s breakfast” to describe something disgusting, but “the dog’s bollocks” to describe something desirable. This confuses me immensely.
I perfectly understand your confusion.
A “dog’s breakfast” means a mess because although traditionally dogs were fed on yummy meat and bones purchased from the butcher, in the depression of the 1930′s no-one had the cash to do this. So the dog’s breakfast consisted of leftovers deemed unfit for human consumption!
As for the dog’s bollocks, sorry, I don’t know how this one came about!! But actually, in the UK people rarely say it like that anymore. Usually, we imply it by simply saying “it’s the dog’s”. Or “the DB’s” or “the mutt’s nuts”.
You made me smile, though!
Anna x
“fiddlesticks”
“bloody hell”
“oh botheration”
“bloomin’ heck”
‘nitwits’
‘nincompoops’
“tipsy”
“Bloody Nora”
“Cor blimey”
“throwing a wobbly”
‘hash’ of it
“right pig’s ear”
I’ve used/use all of those terms [among others of course]. I feel a bit stereotypical now lol!
I remember seeing a comedian make a joke about what we say instead of pi**ed. How you can use any word at all and people will know what you mean. Like, “I’m boomeranged”.
These must be VERY regional to the part of Britain you are from. I can honestly say that aside from “bloody hell” which up here is “bloody ‘ell” and the V for victory, people up North would NEVER say things like this. I haven’t heard a single Northerner swear like this and I think if they did they would probably be shunned and shipped down South. The profanity up here is a bit rougher. No respectable Northerner would be caught dead saying “fiddlesticks” or “nincompoop”.
I think it funny Lisa that I am a northerner and say both those things. Admittedly, I don’t say them often, merely because I don’t feel the need to swear on any sort of regular basis. But, my point is, if they are regional, it is not a simple north-south divide.
Seriously, don’t say anything suggested here to anyone from England, and especially don’t try to put on an accent.
By the way, Britain is made up of 4 seperate countries. ‘Anglotopia’ suggests this is a website about England. Which is it?
Anglotopia’s focus is generally on England, however we use the term Anglophile broadly to cover any country in the UK or former British colonies (like Australia, New Zealand, Canada, etc). Really it’s a celebration of British culture worldwide. I just happen to like England more than all the others because that’s the only place I’ve been able to travel, so far.